Well I was out for a run in the woods by my house, when I ran into this guy. He said he was my new neighbour and he'd seen me running for a few weeks. He was REALLY cute! He asked if he could join me, and I said sure.. it would be nice to have company. As we were running he started telling me about himself, and asked me some questions. He had moved here from Texas because of health problems that were being taken care of at Johns Hopkins. Of course I knew what that meant. It then turned into the whole big cancer talk, which normally I try to avoid like the plague. He has leukemia. He's decided that he's going to do everything he has ever wanted to do, because he's at the whole stage where you think you might be dying, but aren't quite sure, hoping that a miracle comes along, but just in case it doesn't, you have to fit in absolutely everything before you go.
I guess when I went through it, everyone talked about the 5 stages of grief. I really only ever had one.. anger, and lots of it. Here was I a person who was relatively healthy, ate well, worked out, and had gotten it. Joseph has apparantly gone through all 5 stages, and has come to accept that there's a good possibility that he won't make it. I never really went there. I trusted the Dr's, but still went and did the whole holistic thing along with it.. just to be sure.. He doesn't want to believe that there are things out there, apart from chemo that could help. Me I'd been online for hours a day looking for other points of view, and he'd never thought about another..
After almost 2 hours of running, we stopped, and I decided to go back to his house with him. Joe is in a lot of pain from the radiation and stuff, but made a comment that he's a bit of a masochist. I of course decided to see if he really was or not. I told him that I actually hated the pain, that I'm good only at dealing it out, not taking it. I told him I had to smoke pot for the first time ever, just to relieve the pain of the treatments, and be able to deal with how it was ravishing my body.
Joe thought that was a "different" choice of words, and said that he'd actually done some body modification to help him relieve the pain... a prince albert, and some tattooes.. I thought that was pretty cool. I told him that while I was ill, I got my nipples pierced, and two new tattooes.
Pretty soon it was 10pm, we'd talked for hours. I knew everything about him, and he knew almost everything about me. Almost everything... I decided I'd let him in on my secret. The whole time I was ill, there was nothing more that I wanted to do than take my anger and hurt out on men, and how I had to hold myself back from the whole scene, because as angry as I was, with what was going on in my body, I'd probably have killed someone. I told him that during this time I'd had some of my most explosive fantasies. Things in the scene that had never appealed to me before, were at that point really turning me on.... castration, brutal ball bustings, aspyhixiation.... At times it had scared me so much, I knew I could not go back to my life until things were all either under control, or I was dead.
It was a very bizarre, but healing couple of days. I spent the night with him, edge playing all night long... taking him to the brink, and pulling him back. Teasing him, and denying him. It was probably the most amazing sex I've had in years. It's actually the only sex I've had in 3 and a half years. Fulfilling #67 on his "list" of things to do before...