Sunday, November 23, 2008

Getting Released.

I'm getting released from rehab on Wed. To say I can't wait is an understatement, although I have to admit that it's a bit scary too. I'm going to move in with Nichole and take it day by day until I finish outpatient therapy. Thanks again to all who posted a comment.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

It's going...

Well I've been in rehab for well over 30 days, and I'm staying officially for a full 60 days. Nov 20th is my release date.

I didn't realise that I was quite so fucked up. Thank you to all of you who sent in comments via my blog. They really help cheer me up, and make me realise that I can do this.

The last two or three weeks have definitely been harder, when I first came in, they'd give me half dosages of the pills that I was regularly taking, but then it was done. That's when the mood swings, depression, shakes, the aches, the headaches, runny nose, and the vomiting really started.

I'm not quite sure how I went from this happy go lucky, party girl, to this completely screwed up pill addict. I seem to have swapped one addiction for another. I'm glued to the tv now about this whole upcoming election. It's just so exciting. I'm waiting on the Obama commercial coming up in moments.

I've had to keep a written journal - that's so much harder for me than typing, however, as they make me delve deeper, it's been kinda scary, insightful, and plain fucked up, when I've had to read it back a week later.

Nichole has been visiting me a lot, and taking part in a lot of therapy sessions with me. My family also flew in last week and spent an entire week doing rehab with me. That was enough to make me want to kill myself for getting into this situation. When your dad looks at you, and shakes his head, and tells you he's very, very disappointed in you, well that makes every little girl just shake in her boots.

Please keep posting comments ;-) I really appreciate it.

Friday, September 19, 2008


So I'm in rehab. God I even hate saying it. I did have a private room to myself until today, when the new girl arrived. She's bi-polar, into cutting herself, and has spent the last two weeks coming off heroin. I think she's also got this multiple personality thing going on. I think I'm afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep.

The two guys in the room next to me are sex addicts, and they spend their entire time jerking off. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before they hook up to fuck each other, so it seems a little stupid to have put them in the same room together. Last night at dinner one of them came up behind me and jerked off over my ass, all in about 60 seconds. Today they both whipped their cocks out during group therapy when I walked in, and jerked off, until they were taken away. That really pissed off one of the other girls, who wanted to jump up and kick my ass, because clearly when she walked into the room, they didn't whip their cocks out for her... Can you say "One flew over the cuckoos nest"?

I've graduated from 15 minutes of computer time, to 30 minutes, and because I was "a good girl" during all my therapies this week, I've earned more brownie points. I just want to get through my 28 days and start my life over. Whatever that means. 3 more weeks to go. I've actually made it an entire week.

After hours of therapy this week, I've been told that my fascination with BDSM, and Stripping stems from the sexual abuse that happened me when I was a kid. That lead to drugs. Yeah, I'm not buying it either. OK, I do see why they might think that when my moms best friends father was diddling me, and then bribing me with money to keep quiet, that there could be some similarities with charging men for sessions.. and always wanting to be in control, but to me it's just the way I like it. I like to have control during a relationship. The same way I prefer chocolate ice cream over strawberry. It's just a choice.

Drugs didn't start being a part of my life until well into my 30's, and I've been a dominatrix since I was 20. And, although many drugs are easy to find in a strip club, I've never been interested in trying them until very recently. I was under the impression that everyone used prescription painkillers or a Xanax or Valium to mellow out. Like those people just don't like to smoke weed, so they pop a pill and have a drink. Instant mellow. I guess I don't have a switch like normal people that I can just flip to chill out, I need some kind of drug to do it for me.

I realise now that by doing coke, I could have been going down a very serious path, but I guess because I am an addict, that I justified that by just doing it recreationally, I'm not a druggie. Or that by only doing vicodin, or xanax, I'm not a real druggie. You know that whole, well at least I'm doing coke and not crack thing.

Being sober for 9 days now has been very difficult. No alcohol, no pills, no pot, nothing. It's meant I'm eating a lot more. 3 meals a day and snacks. I think I'd forgotten what real food and meals looked like. It's also meant that I have to think clearly, and having all this time and all this talking and exercises forced down your throat, means that you get to ask yourself lots of questions that you wouldn't normally think about.

I will not be returning to the strip club, even though I totally got off on all those men throwing their money at me, and begging me for another lap dance. Being hired out on private yachts or in huge stretch hummers for the evening, and leaving with thousands of dollars will definitely be hard to walk away from.

My job at the gym seems safe enough, and they've been very supportive about me coming here, and making sure that I get straightened out. They can't quite wrap their minds around how someone who is so into physical fitness could put that shit in their body, and I can't explain it. I'm obviously trying to numb something inside of myself, but I swear I don't know what it is. Why do I want to force myself not to be involved in a D/S relationship? Why do I run from it, or from men who absolutely worship the ground I walk on? Why in the past have I only wanted men who weren't available? Or mine to have? Emotionally, or logistically? Why am I so attracted to a crazy outta control lifestyle?

I've got to come up with a 250 word essay on what I think my good points are. It was very easy for me to come up with a 200 word essay on my bad points. In fact I could have written a book on those.

Nichole, thanks for coming to visit last night, and I'm hoping I'll have a special visitor next Thursday night.

Thanks so much for all the emails I've got over the last week. I didn't actually think anyone still read this blog, or even remembered who was ;-) It's kinda nice to know that you care.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Fucked up.

So, I've been a bit out of control lately. I don't think working or hanging out at strip clubs is in my best interests. I've developed a liking for too much booze and too many drugs. Prescription drugs, coke, weed, X, pretty much it's all available in large amounts, and I don't seem to have an off switch.

I think forcing myself to write all this stuff down will help.

I'm fucking up every relationship I've ever had. My family has lost all respect for me and are this close to doing an intervention. Today is day 2 drug free, but I'm not sure I can do it on my own. When I look in the mirror I don't see a difference in my looks, but my friends tell me that I'm starting to look worse for wear, and even looked better when I was doing chemo. Now that's a shock.

Nichole moved back in, and then within days moved back out. I don't blame her. Her husband and I got in a huge fight on Wednesday night, and she had to drive home to break it up. He took offense to me having drug dealers at the house. I guess if I was clean and sober, I'd see his point.

I've fucked up our house having huge parties & she's the one who gets to come over and fix it all up. I've really got to grow the fuck up. I'm 37 and act like I'm 17.

I can't have a serious relationship with anyone, because as soon as we start to get close, I freak out and book out of there faster than a speeding bullet.

Monday, July 07, 2008


Where to start.. Nichole we're cousins & I miss you. I'm godmother to your children & I haven't seen them or you in over a year. I know that I was shitty and out of order, and I totally should NOT have done what I did. There's 6 of us, and you & I are the only two out of the whole family who are freaking normal. There's so much to tell you, and I want you to unblock my email handles so that I can send you a proper email. I don't really want to type it all out in a blog.

I'm in the process of adopting my youngest sisters child (and last I heard she was dancing at The Gentleman's Gold Club in Balt)... but I took him away from her when he was a baby, and I haven't sold the house but we really need to talk about it. The other sister is currently back home with dad, and bro is in Barcelona for the summer.

I'd love you to come by the club, when I'm not training I'm in my office, and we really really really need to sort everything out. Are you home for good? Are you here by yourself? Have you talked to your sister? Where are you living? Love you Jules.

Thursday, May 29, 2008


Rab, as in HI Rab? Actually even if you're not who I think you might be, can you please email me, because I'd like to thank you for the gift card. Unfortunately doesn't disclose your email address to me. If this is who I think it is, wow, it's been a very long time, and I'm thrilled to hear from you.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008


So does anyone actually realise how good they feel until they've been sick? On Saturday morning I felt like my throat was getting sore, by dinner time, I was freezing cold, feeling miserable, and my throat ached everytime I swallowed. Today (Wednesday) is the first time I've gotten dressed since Saturday, and I've yet to leave the house. I've had the sweats, the chills, the pooping constantly - in fact I lost 2lbs from eating nothing but smoothies from Robeks, and tomato cup-a-soup. My head has felt like it's been in a vice grip, and generally I feel like I've been hit by a two ton truck. Not fun at all - and it was friggin Memorial Day weekend!! All my friends were out partying it up like rockstars, but not me. POUT!

For some stupid bloody reason, I don't have a primary care dr - so I decided 3 days in, that after using every single thing from CVS in the cold/flu/sinus dept - and boy do I mean everything (I'm surprised I didn't overdose accidentally, with the amount of drugs I forced down my throat) that I'd look around for some antibiotics. I finally found some amoxicillin, only it had expired two years previously. I figured that this kinda stuff doesn't really "expire", and that just in case, I'd double up on the dosage. Anyway, either those, or the rest, musta finally done the trick, because when I woke up this evening, I actually could swallow without hurting, and the back of my neck and my whole head had finally quit pounding.

Anyway, Greg I'm so sorry about not making it out to Tysons to see you, but I actually didn't think of you or anyone else for the last 5 days.

Of course, everytime I woke up, the sun was splitting the sky, and all I could think about was the million and one things I really should be doing, that I wasn't. The moral of the story is, I'm now going to be more appreciative of the little things in life - like not shitting while wrapped up in 5 blankets and a down jacket, and 15 minutes later feeling like I'm going through the change of life, and sweating my ass off!!

Thursday, May 08, 2008


I spent all day and night hanging out in Baltimore this past Saturday. That in of itself is kinda weird for me, because I've always been much more of the DC girl. I have to say though, I had tons of fun. Two of my girlfriends had me meet up with them at this Flower Mart festival right under the George Washington monument - totally can't remember the name of the area - Mt Vernon I think? Before hitting that though, another friend is a dating some guy in a band, so I met up with her in Canton at The Austin Grill, and we drank ourselves silly on Red Bull bombs, and margaritas. It was cinco de mayo and they had a long line up of entertainment. My fucking Irish lilly white skin took quite a beating from being out in the bloody sun all day long.

Right around 2ish, I called this cute little single subbie dude that I haven't seen in at least two years to come meet me - I didn't want to drive drunk around the city after all ;-) He made it out, and we went up to Mt Vernon to meetup with my other girlfriends.

They had bands performing on 3 stages all day long, and of course my girlfriends just kept plying me with Boordy Vineyard wine, and sangria. Let's call the little subbie "dave", well Dave enamoured us so much that we decided to keep him a bit longer than I'd originally intended, so when all the bands had wound up, we drug him over to a friends condo - she has the most amazing place that looks out over the square with the monument - fabulous high ceilings, and the biggest floor to ceiling windows with gorgeous crown moldings everywhere.

We took Dave inside, while we sent her boyfriend, and the guys from the band off to find parking for all of our cars - that's the downside to living in the city - there's never any bloody parking. I'd been fucking with Dave all day, and I'm surprised that he hadn't blown a load in his pants several times that afternoon, but when I forced him to strip in front of 5 women, he literally came just as his pants hit the floor. Being that he's only 25, three little sentences from me, whispered in his ear, had him standing at attention again in no time flat... and then we really had some fun!!

It's sad, but true, that when I drink, I really become much more sexual than I am already - if you can believe that :-) I was kinda/sorta wet all day long, but with the booze on top of it all, when I took my panties off, and inserted my finger up my pussy, it came out soaking wet, and creamy. I also totally get off on having my girlfriends there watching, laughing, and seeing them get turned on by what I'm doing, or what I'm making "Dave" do.

I told the girls that we were all going to take turns, and that they should "watch" and then follow what I did. I ordered Dave to lay down on the living room floor, I then sat right down on his face, and rode it hard, until I was shuddering my way through my 3rd straight orgasm. Before I'd came for the 2nd time, Dave had blown yet another load, all over his belly, and my ass crack. The girls couldn't wait to take their turns, and were outta their outfits before I even climbed off Dave's face. Dave to his credit, came a whopping 4 times total that evening, and the night had barely begun!

The band boys rang one of our cells and interrupted, telling us to come downstairs, because we were headed out - they took us to Brewers Art, which was nearby the Hippo from what I remember - I of course just wanted to go to the Hippo, and pick up lesbians, and bi-sexual men, but the band guys were so not into that, (???!!!!) and by the time we got to Brewers Art, two of my more "normal" girlfriends had joined us. I sent Dave home after we'd eaten dinner, my attention span had waned, and I was ready for a "virgin" - I just love it when some straight guy hooks up with me, and then is all totally freaked the fuck out by what I wanna do!

From there we went to the 13th floor of some hotel - which I totally can't remember, and I salsa danced the night away with various men - all of latin origin, and sobered myself up by downing large volumes of water. Anyway, my whole point to all of this is that I had myself quite a fun time in Baltimore, and may just have to go back again this weekend! Any subs from the Baltimore area? Got any recommendations of where to go?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Back from N.C

I'm completely back in MD, my house after all this time has not sold, so I yanked it off the market. I'm tired of signing contracts, and then having their financing falling through, and me getting my hopes up. This housing market sucks. Bush Sucks. The economy sucks.

Maybe it's meant to be my house. Maybe moving away and quitting this lifestyle was the wrong thing for me. I've loved this house since I first laid eyes on it all those years ago. Just four years after first laying my eyes on that house, it was up for sale, and I got it! In between those 4 years, I met a girl in a bar in Baltimore, and a few weeks of hanging out with her, she asked me if I wanted to come to her parents house for dinner - and guess where the house was? It kinda had to be fate.

So if it's meant to be, and I'm meant to be here, in my house, then why the hell is everything broken?? I came home the other week to that 80 - 90 degree weather, and my A/C wouldn't work. Coming from Ireland, I can't stand it being so warm! The only way I can handle the heat is floating around in a pool, or having my air set on 68 degrees!! So in addition to the A/C being broken, the pipes which go from the swimming pool filter to the pool heater, were completely broken. I'd left the rolled up solar blanket on top of it, but d'oh, I didn't think about all the snow and rain piling up on it, so it got too heavy and broke them. I of course didn't realise and when I went to backwash, and clean up the water, I got totally friggin soaked - there was gallons of water shooting everywhere! It was kinda hilarious.

One of the barn doors won't open, and 3 of my bedroom windows will not open either! I need a slave to make phone calls because I can't be arsed, and I need a margarita just thinking about it all! Since I've been home, (and my house is pretty much empty) I've been pining away for my dungeon. I'd sold, or given away almost all of my stuff before I moved to the beach, but being back in this house gets me so damn horny. I think about all the kinky things I've done in this house, especially down in the basement, and I swear to God, I've masturbated more in the last week and a half than I did during the whole time I was gone at the beach.

Hmmmmm...margarita or masturbate?

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Oh it's really late, and who knows if this will work or not. I've pulled my sites down mostly so I can work on them in peace & quiet, and at the same time try to figure out exactly how or if I want to keep them going.

It's been a very long time since I did anything online, so we'll see how this goes.