Friday, September 12, 2008

Fucked up.

So, I've been a bit out of control lately. I don't think working or hanging out at strip clubs is in my best interests. I've developed a liking for too much booze and too many drugs. Prescription drugs, coke, weed, X, pretty much it's all available in large amounts, and I don't seem to have an off switch.

I think forcing myself to write all this stuff down will help.

I'm fucking up every relationship I've ever had. My family has lost all respect for me and are this close to doing an intervention. Today is day 2 drug free, but I'm not sure I can do it on my own. When I look in the mirror I don't see a difference in my looks, but my friends tell me that I'm starting to look worse for wear, and even looked better when I was doing chemo. Now that's a shock.

Nichole moved back in, and then within days moved back out. I don't blame her. Her husband and I got in a huge fight on Wednesday night, and she had to drive home to break it up. He took offense to me having drug dealers at the house. I guess if I was clean and sober, I'd see his point.

I've fucked up our house having huge parties & she's the one who gets to come over and fix it all up. I've really got to grow the fuck up. I'm 37 and act like I'm 17.

I can't have a serious relationship with anyone, because as soon as we start to get close, I freak out and book out of there faster than a speeding bullet.


3 comments:

Richie Loves God His Father said...

Courage Julie is what you have by admitting you have a problem and that's the beginning of your recovery.Think of it as a boxing match,I cn't fight this for you but I'm in your corner.Now come out swing and deliver the 1st knockdown.

waveyl said...

Hello Ma'am,
I found Your blog through google search. I'm sorry to hear abuot the tough times You're going through. I hope You get passed them, and get Your life back in order.

You have admitted that things are wrong, and that's the first step. You will only be able to make things better, if you truly want to make them better. Forgive this, but You are Your own Mistress, and You do have the power to fix yourself, to change yourself. I hope you do.

Mistress Julie said...

Thanks for the comments, and all the private emails. I appreciate them. Truly.