Friday, September 19, 2008

Ugghh..

So I'm in rehab. God I even hate saying it. I did have a private room to myself until today, when the new girl arrived. She's bi-polar, into cutting herself, and has spent the last two weeks coming off heroin. I think she's also got this multiple personality thing going on. I think I'm afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep.

The two guys in the room next to me are sex addicts, and they spend their entire time jerking off. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before they hook up to fuck each other, so it seems a little stupid to have put them in the same room together. Last night at dinner one of them came up behind me and jerked off over my ass, all in about 60 seconds. Today they both whipped their cocks out during group therapy when I walked in, and jerked off, until they were taken away. That really pissed off one of the other girls, who wanted to jump up and kick my ass, because clearly when she walked into the room, they didn't whip their cocks out for her... Can you say "One flew over the cuckoos nest"?

I've graduated from 15 minutes of computer time, to 30 minutes, and because I was "a good girl" during all my therapies this week, I've earned more brownie points. I just want to get through my 28 days and start my life over. Whatever that means. 3 more weeks to go. I've actually made it an entire week.

After hours of therapy this week, I've been told that my fascination with BDSM, and Stripping stems from the sexual abuse that happened me when I was a kid. That lead to drugs. Yeah, I'm not buying it either. OK, I do see why they might think that when my moms best friends father was diddling me, and then bribing me with money to keep quiet, that there could be some similarities with charging men for sessions.. and always wanting to be in control, but to me it's just the way I like it. I like to have control during a relationship. The same way I prefer chocolate ice cream over strawberry. It's just a choice.

Drugs didn't start being a part of my life until well into my 30's, and I've been a dominatrix since I was 20. And, although many drugs are easy to find in a strip club, I've never been interested in trying them until very recently. I was under the impression that everyone used prescription painkillers or a Xanax or Valium to mellow out. Like those people just don't like to smoke weed, so they pop a pill and have a drink. Instant mellow. I guess I don't have a switch like normal people that I can just flip to chill out, I need some kind of drug to do it for me.

I realise now that by doing coke, I could have been going down a very serious path, but I guess because I am an addict, that I justified that by just doing it recreationally, I'm not a druggie. Or that by only doing vicodin, or xanax, I'm not a real druggie. You know that whole, well at least I'm doing coke and not crack thing.

Being sober for 9 days now has been very difficult. No alcohol, no pills, no pot, nothing. It's meant I'm eating a lot more. 3 meals a day and snacks. I think I'd forgotten what real food and meals looked like. It's also meant that I have to think clearly, and having all this time and all this talking and exercises forced down your throat, means that you get to ask yourself lots of questions that you wouldn't normally think about.

I will not be returning to the strip club, even though I totally got off on all those men throwing their money at me, and begging me for another lap dance. Being hired out on private yachts or in huge stretch hummers for the evening, and leaving with thousands of dollars will definitely be hard to walk away from.

My job at the gym seems safe enough, and they've been very supportive about me coming here, and making sure that I get straightened out. They can't quite wrap their minds around how someone who is so into physical fitness could put that shit in their body, and I can't explain it. I'm obviously trying to numb something inside of myself, but I swear I don't know what it is. Why do I want to force myself not to be involved in a D/S relationship? Why do I run from it, or from men who absolutely worship the ground I walk on? Why in the past have I only wanted men who weren't available? Or mine to have? Emotionally, or logistically? Why am I so attracted to a crazy outta control lifestyle?

I've got to come up with a 250 word essay on what I think my good points are. It was very easy for me to come up with a 200 word essay on my bad points. In fact I could have written a book on those.

Nichole, thanks for coming to visit last night, and I'm hoping I'll have a special visitor next Thursday night.

Thanks so much for all the emails I've got over the last week. I didn't actually think anyone still read this blog, or even remembered who msjulie.com was ;-) It's kinda nice to know that you care.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Mistress,

I'm very sorry to hear of your difficulties and am glad you're getting over them. I've long admired you - if only from the web - and join all your other submissive admiring fans in wishing a speedy recovery!

SME

Joe S. said...

Julie, I was shocked to read this. I still check your site every now and then but I guess it's been too long. It sounds like a nightmare, but it always seemed like you had a strong personality. You will beat this and be all the better for it. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on your current transition, because that is what you are going through. I am certain it is difficult and I am also certain that you are learning a lot about yourself and will continue to in the future.

A 250-word essay on your good points.

Firstly there are a lot of good points about you. You have a natural, radiant beauty that is a serious asset because you can use that beauty to improve your world. From your writings, it is obvious to even the most casual reader that you are quite intelligent. Again, a natural asset. From your blog, I see you have not been getting along with people around you lately. But you used to and I think that you are capable of developing and maintaining friendships that can stand the test of time and unfortunate circumstances. All of these things radiate outwards from your being and make up who you are and you can choose to use your natural creativity (another asset) to be a beacon of goodness in your world.

If you ponder for just a short while, you can come up with 250 words in a flash and probably more.

When you get out, I can recommend that you read Eric Clapton's autobiography. There are many parallels between the two of you, as you're both artists. He plays guitar, you play men's passions.

You can do this. If you have the ability to impose your will on others to do what you wish them to do, you have the willpower to put yourself on the right path to wellness.

-cbtok

Anonymous said...

Dear Ms. Julie,
It is horrible that you had to reach a bottom in order to build back a life you truely want. I have been a fan of yours over the years.

You have so many strong points. The ability to manage a web-site that kept so many interested for so long takes raw business skills which you possess. You have a strong personality so you probably have been fighting chemicals and relationships for a long, long time. Please believe me, it will incrementaly get better.

The hardest part of you situation is that you will need to temporarily stick to sober people sober places which means for now no BDSM for you. Remember, This does not have to be a forever thing. In time you will get to the root of the issues surrounding your childhood and then you will be able to re-introduce other parts of your old life back into your new life.

Don't lose faith. Don't lose patience. You have so much to offer all of your fans. We all can and will be patient and wait for you to either return or tell us the BDSM lifestyle isn't working for you anymore.

At some point you will find the right person at the right time and have the right relationship. That time will come but there are no short cuts to it.

Sorry to sound preachy but I have been exposed to where you are. There is light and hope at the end of the tunnel. The problem is that it bends along the way so we can't always see the light.

Fan Bob
rsmith1964@bellsouth.net

Max said...

great

Louie Monkey-Pest said...

So how goes the rehab? 5 weeks without a posting leraves me concerned.

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Julie,

Well, I know exactly what you are going through because literally, I am going through the same thing right now. I am definitely glad that I did not go to an in patient center after reading your blog. The sex addicts, even if I was in there I would kick their ass for doing that. That is how you solve their problem.

I however cannot compare my childhood which was nothing like yours for it was the opposite. The reason I began using pain killers was due to the fact that my job became increasingly physical and I found myself lifting 2500 boxes in 4.5 hrs 6 days a week, avg box weight 55 lbs. and my back just deteriorated. It was so easy to get and I had two friends who were both drug dealers (great friends right?) and could get it at a low price and anytime I needed it. At first I was barely needing 1 pill a week, which obviously got worse.

Now I am luckily on a anti-oxy inhibitor known as SUBOXONE which if you get the choice I recommend it. Talk about getting rid of withdrawal symptoms.

Lastly, I wanted to thank you. I remember that when I was growing up, through your knowledge, articles, and stories I was able to train myself to pleasure a woman orally to a tee. Without your writings I would have been lost and now I am an amazing slave looking for a new owner...

It is hard, I know what the urge and the empty feeling where it filled in the void, and you just want to chill out. Coke is rough and anything I can do, refer you to another doctor or anything, please do not hesitate to email me at gkezmarsky@yahoo.com.

Sincerely,
Greg

Michelle said...

Miss Julie,

I know I'm WAY behind the curve on this one, and that you are likely not there anymore, but I wanted to let you know that I care. I hope all is going well for you.

Anonymous said...

wishing you the best Mistress Julie...don't underestimate the good that your presence in this world accomplishes. i for one was highly sensitive to my own submissiveness. i read stories on your site which helped me understand myself better. D/s can mean "loving female authority" and submission can equal love and devotion. i only wish you the best, ;)