Friday, September 19, 2008


So I'm in rehab. God I even hate saying it. I did have a private room to myself until today, when the new girl arrived. She's bi-polar, into cutting herself, and has spent the last two weeks coming off heroin. I think she's also got this multiple personality thing going on. I think I'm afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep.

The two guys in the room next to me are sex addicts, and they spend their entire time jerking off. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before they hook up to fuck each other, so it seems a little stupid to have put them in the same room together. Last night at dinner one of them came up behind me and jerked off over my ass, all in about 60 seconds. Today they both whipped their cocks out during group therapy when I walked in, and jerked off, until they were taken away. That really pissed off one of the other girls, who wanted to jump up and kick my ass, because clearly when she walked into the room, they didn't whip their cocks out for her... Can you say "One flew over the cuckoos nest"?

I've graduated from 15 minutes of computer time, to 30 minutes, and because I was "a good girl" during all my therapies this week, I've earned more brownie points. I just want to get through my 28 days and start my life over. Whatever that means. 3 more weeks to go. I've actually made it an entire week.

After hours of therapy this week, I've been told that my fascination with BDSM, and Stripping stems from the sexual abuse that happened me when I was a kid. That lead to drugs. Yeah, I'm not buying it either. OK, I do see why they might think that when my moms best friends father was diddling me, and then bribing me with money to keep quiet, that there could be some similarities with charging men for sessions.. and always wanting to be in control, but to me it's just the way I like it. I like to have control during a relationship. The same way I prefer chocolate ice cream over strawberry. It's just a choice.

Drugs didn't start being a part of my life until well into my 30's, and I've been a dominatrix since I was 20. And, although many drugs are easy to find in a strip club, I've never been interested in trying them until very recently. I was under the impression that everyone used prescription painkillers or a Xanax or Valium to mellow out. Like those people just don't like to smoke weed, so they pop a pill and have a drink. Instant mellow. I guess I don't have a switch like normal people that I can just flip to chill out, I need some kind of drug to do it for me.

I realise now that by doing coke, I could have been going down a very serious path, but I guess because I am an addict, that I justified that by just doing it recreationally, I'm not a druggie. Or that by only doing vicodin, or xanax, I'm not a real druggie. You know that whole, well at least I'm doing coke and not crack thing.

Being sober for 9 days now has been very difficult. No alcohol, no pills, no pot, nothing. It's meant I'm eating a lot more. 3 meals a day and snacks. I think I'd forgotten what real food and meals looked like. It's also meant that I have to think clearly, and having all this time and all this talking and exercises forced down your throat, means that you get to ask yourself lots of questions that you wouldn't normally think about.

I will not be returning to the strip club, even though I totally got off on all those men throwing their money at me, and begging me for another lap dance. Being hired out on private yachts or in huge stretch hummers for the evening, and leaving with thousands of dollars will definitely be hard to walk away from.

My job at the gym seems safe enough, and they've been very supportive about me coming here, and making sure that I get straightened out. They can't quite wrap their minds around how someone who is so into physical fitness could put that shit in their body, and I can't explain it. I'm obviously trying to numb something inside of myself, but I swear I don't know what it is. Why do I want to force myself not to be involved in a D/S relationship? Why do I run from it, or from men who absolutely worship the ground I walk on? Why in the past have I only wanted men who weren't available? Or mine to have? Emotionally, or logistically? Why am I so attracted to a crazy outta control lifestyle?

I've got to come up with a 250 word essay on what I think my good points are. It was very easy for me to come up with a 200 word essay on my bad points. In fact I could have written a book on those.

Nichole, thanks for coming to visit last night, and I'm hoping I'll have a special visitor next Thursday night.

Thanks so much for all the emails I've got over the last week. I didn't actually think anyone still read this blog, or even remembered who was ;-) It's kinda nice to know that you care.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Fucked up.

So, I've been a bit out of control lately. I don't think working or hanging out at strip clubs is in my best interests. I've developed a liking for too much booze and too many drugs. Prescription drugs, coke, weed, X, pretty much it's all available in large amounts, and I don't seem to have an off switch.

I think forcing myself to write all this stuff down will help.

I'm fucking up every relationship I've ever had. My family has lost all respect for me and are this close to doing an intervention. Today is day 2 drug free, but I'm not sure I can do it on my own. When I look in the mirror I don't see a difference in my looks, but my friends tell me that I'm starting to look worse for wear, and even looked better when I was doing chemo. Now that's a shock.

Nichole moved back in, and then within days moved back out. I don't blame her. Her husband and I got in a huge fight on Wednesday night, and she had to drive home to break it up. He took offense to me having drug dealers at the house. I guess if I was clean and sober, I'd see his point.

I've fucked up our house having huge parties & she's the one who gets to come over and fix it all up. I've really got to grow the fuck up. I'm 37 and act like I'm 17.

I can't have a serious relationship with anyone, because as soon as we start to get close, I freak out and book out of there faster than a speeding bullet.