Wednesday, October 29, 2008

It's going...

Well I've been in rehab for well over 30 days, and I'm staying officially for a full 60 days. Nov 20th is my release date.

I didn't realise that I was quite so fucked up. Thank you to all of you who sent in comments via my blog. They really help cheer me up, and make me realise that I can do this.

The last two or three weeks have definitely been harder, when I first came in, they'd give me half dosages of the pills that I was regularly taking, but then it was done. That's when the mood swings, depression, shakes, the aches, the headaches, runny nose, and the vomiting really started.

I'm not quite sure how I went from this happy go lucky, party girl, to this completely screwed up pill addict. I seem to have swapped one addiction for another. I'm glued to the tv now about this whole upcoming election. It's just so exciting. I'm waiting on the Obama commercial coming up in moments.

I've had to keep a written journal - that's so much harder for me than typing, however, as they make me delve deeper, it's been kinda scary, insightful, and plain fucked up, when I've had to read it back a week later.

Nichole has been visiting me a lot, and taking part in a lot of therapy sessions with me. My family also flew in last week and spent an entire week doing rehab with me. That was enough to make me want to kill myself for getting into this situation. When your dad looks at you, and shakes his head, and tells you he's very, very disappointed in you, well that makes every little girl just shake in her boots.

Please keep posting comments ;-) I really appreciate it.

18 comments:

Max said...

great blog

AZ Bruce said...

Hi Julie. We've never met, but I just wanted to wish you well. I've read through some of your blog and have a feeling that you're going through hell right now. There is light at the end of the tunnel as your comments are showing self-awareness.

I've played in S&M for a long time with partners and with pros. You know how much you enjoyed the lifestyle with alcohol/drugs a part of your life. I hope you find your way to enjoying S&M without the other crap. It is hard and I've been there in many ways.

You will make it through- there is no doubt by what you are writing. Hang in there, know that your real friends won't give a damn if you party or not and hopefully, you will find amazing happiness. Take care of yourself.

AZ Bruce

Joe S. said...

Julie, I am glad you posted an update. I can't imagine what the withdrawals from the drugs must feel like, but hopefully the worst of it is over.

You may feel like your family is down on you, but remember one thing. They did come to see you and they are trying to help you. they care and they want you to get better.

So I'm sure, do the many people that have visited your site over the years.

Take care and keep getting better!

Mistress Julie said...

Max, can I get access to your blog? It's by invite only. I'm curious.

Bruce, I hope so.

Joe -- thank you ;-) I appreciate it.

Richie Loves God His Father said...

Dear Julie,
It's nice to know your making progress and I know what it's like to have a problem.When I was a compulsive gambler it ruined my whole life.I've been clean for over 6 years now and I feel your going to walk out and begin a new life and find happiness again.In case your wondering about me go to your earlier post back from NC and read the post I made on the worlds most dominant woman which I intend to turn into a book next year.It would not surprise me if a woman like this exists in a 3rd world country.Take care and remember Julie treat your treatments like a boxing match and let your instructors guide you to victory.

Random reader. said...

Stay strong and never remember it's always darkest right before dawn. Your almost home free. Stay optomistic and don't let anything take away the best of your. Keep your head high and your spirits even higher.

Joe G. said...

Ms. Julie. I have not read your blog for a while and I feel bad that I have not offered you my support. While I have never had the pleasure of meeting you in person (we've spoken on the phone a few times over the years) I would be happy to offer whatever help I can. If you need some errands run or just want someone to bring you a doughnut, I'd be happy to oblige. One thing I feel confident about saying is that you are a strong woman and I'm sure you can beat this thing. Hang in there

Anonymous said...

You don't seem so Dominant to me. You couldn't keep control of your
body and mind. Your dad is right. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You have been nasty and hateful to people who didn't deserve it and who weren't submissive to you. Meet "Mistress" Karma. She's a bitch. You should be spending time planning how to make amends, not immersing yourself in the politics of a man who consorts with the likes of William Ayers.

Duncan said...

Be strong - you're in our prayers.

Randy Man said...

Julie,

I hope you're getting/feeling better. I have read your blog and thought i'd share something..may/may not be useful/helpful to you. I have had two siblings go through what you are going through. It took them awhile, but they are doing well. A lot of hard work and a lot of emotions by all, but they are doing just fine. From what I have read, you seem to have some good support around you (although at times you may not feel that way) and that will go a long way in helping you find what you lost (health and happiness without the junk). Anyways, all the best, hang in there....

Randy

Randy Man said...

Julie,

I hope you're getting/feeling better. I have read your blog and thought i'd share something..may/may not be useful/helpful to you. I have had two siblings go through what you are going through. It took them awhile, but they are doing well. A lot of hard work and a lot of emotions by all, but they are doing just fine. From what I have read, you seem to have some good support around you (although at times you may not feel that way) and that will go a long way in helping you find what you lost (health and happiness without the junk). Anyways, all the best, hang in there....

Randy

ted said...

Hey Julie. We've also never met but I've always admired you from afar. I just read your blog, and I wanted to let you know I feel for you. I've had a few friends go through the same thing and I know how earth shattering it can be to your self worth. The good news is there is life at the end of the tunnel, and that life has proven to be much better for both of them.
Keep it up, I can see by your last few posts that things are turning around for you. Your fathers disapproval will turn to joy once you've made it through, and that will be the most gratifying thing of all. I'd really like to help you if I can in any way, even if its just someone to talk to. Please feel free to e-mail me anytime, and know that I am rooting for you.

Joe S. said...

Julie, I hope at this point you are counting down the days until you are done with the inpatient treatment. Hope things are continuing to go well and you feel better. Take care.

dave32va@uahoo.com said...

I've followed your blogs, groups, webs for years now and just looked in to see why your yahoo group was so quiet ... wow, makes sense now. I've got an addictive personality also and understand (to some extent) what you are going through. I think you are wise to seek the help of others in your journey, it has helped me immensely previously. I hope your progress is going well. From one addictive person to another, best of luck!! Dave32va

Anonymous said...

Hi Julie,

You're obviously an intelligent and capable - as well as beautiful and sexy- woman. You've got a lot going for you, despite the mistakes you made. I'm sure you'll dig yourself out of this situation and find a road to personal success and happiness. You should be able to keep the many positive aspects of your life while discarding the bad ones.

good luck!

SME

AZ Bruce said...

Hey there Julie,
Well obviously, what once seemed simple is not so simple anymore.

Personal growth, true growth, is a challenge for those with healthy backgrounds and habits.....it is extremely difficult for those without the basic building blocks.

For anyone to work their way back from completey fucked up takes time. Hopefully, you are holding on and moving in the right direction. 2 steps forward and 1 back is still doing great.

On Thanksgiving, where ever you might be, I hope you are thankful for people and things you previously took for granted. Only you know what those really are.

Hang in, hang on and you will make it through....

Wishing you the best.

Kyle said...

I noticed it's been a month since your last post, and I wanted to make sure that you were okay. I only just recently started to read your blog; your rehab reminds me of some struggles my dear friend Paige, a domina and dancer down in Florida, has been going through. I guess part of my brain is trying to convince me that if you can beat the pills and other chemical abuses, maybe there's hope for her as well.

dave32va said...

Hello Ms Julie .... How is everything going? I hope all is ok. dave32va