Friday, January 18, 2013

Been a long time, Stranger...

Shit.  Almost 5 years have gone by, but as always the urge strikes when I least expect it.  I am still in Columbia, Maryland, and I've tried being good, but being bad seems to be what I'm best at.

I have no idea how to use this new blogger format, but I'd love to hear from some blasts from the past!  My email is still and you can follow me on twitter (where I lurk a lot, but intend to get back to my bitchy, vocal self very soon.)

Guess I'll check and see if I even still have a yahoo group!  New resolutions and all... one being to meet more date-able men, oh yeah, and more beat-able men.

Cheers!  See ya later!  

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Getting Released.

I'm getting released from rehab on Wed. To say I can't wait is an understatement, although I have to admit that it's a bit scary too. I'm going to move in with Nichole and take it day by day until I finish outpatient therapy. Thanks again to all who posted a comment.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

It's going...

Well I've been in rehab for well over 30 days, and I'm staying officially for a full 60 days. Nov 20th is my release date.

I didn't realise that I was quite so fucked up. Thank you to all of you who sent in comments via my blog. They really help cheer me up, and make me realise that I can do this.

The last two or three weeks have definitely been harder, when I first came in, they'd give me half dosages of the pills that I was regularly taking, but then it was done. That's when the mood swings, depression, shakes, the aches, the headaches, runny nose, and the vomiting really started.

I'm not quite sure how I went from this happy go lucky, party girl, to this completely screwed up pill addict. I seem to have swapped one addiction for another. I'm glued to the tv now about this whole upcoming election. It's just so exciting. I'm waiting on the Obama commercial coming up in moments.

I've had to keep a written journal - that's so much harder for me than typing, however, as they make me delve deeper, it's been kinda scary, insightful, and plain fucked up, when I've had to read it back a week later.

Nichole has been visiting me a lot, and taking part in a lot of therapy sessions with me. My family also flew in last week and spent an entire week doing rehab with me. That was enough to make me want to kill myself for getting into this situation. When your dad looks at you, and shakes his head, and tells you he's very, very disappointed in you, well that makes every little girl just shake in her boots.

Please keep posting comments ;-) I really appreciate it.

Friday, September 19, 2008


So I'm in rehab. God I even hate saying it. I did have a private room to myself until today, when the new girl arrived. She's bi-polar, into cutting herself, and has spent the last two weeks coming off heroin. I think she's also got this multiple personality thing going on. I think I'm afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep.

The two guys in the room next to me are sex addicts, and they spend their entire time jerking off. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before they hook up to fuck each other, so it seems a little stupid to have put them in the same room together. Last night at dinner one of them came up behind me and jerked off over my ass, all in about 60 seconds. Today they both whipped their cocks out during group therapy when I walked in, and jerked off, until they were taken away. That really pissed off one of the other girls, who wanted to jump up and kick my ass, because clearly when she walked into the room, they didn't whip their cocks out for her... Can you say "One flew over the cuckoos nest"?

I've graduated from 15 minutes of computer time, to 30 minutes, and because I was "a good girl" during all my therapies this week, I've earned more brownie points. I just want to get through my 28 days and start my life over. Whatever that means. 3 more weeks to go. I've actually made it an entire week.

After hours of therapy this week, I've been told that my fascination with BDSM, and Stripping stems from the sexual abuse that happened me when I was a kid. That lead to drugs. Yeah, I'm not buying it either. OK, I do see why they might think that when my moms best friends father was diddling me, and then bribing me with money to keep quiet, that there could be some similarities with charging men for sessions.. and always wanting to be in control, but to me it's just the way I like it. I like to have control during a relationship. The same way I prefer chocolate ice cream over strawberry. It's just a choice.

Drugs didn't start being a part of my life until well into my 30's, and I've been a dominatrix since I was 20. And, although many drugs are easy to find in a strip club, I've never been interested in trying them until very recently. I was under the impression that everyone used prescription painkillers or a Xanax or Valium to mellow out. Like those people just don't like to smoke weed, so they pop a pill and have a drink. Instant mellow. I guess I don't have a switch like normal people that I can just flip to chill out, I need some kind of drug to do it for me.

I realise now that by doing coke, I could have been going down a very serious path, but I guess because I am an addict, that I justified that by just doing it recreationally, I'm not a druggie. Or that by only doing vicodin, or xanax, I'm not a real druggie. You know that whole, well at least I'm doing coke and not crack thing.

Being sober for 9 days now has been very difficult. No alcohol, no pills, no pot, nothing. It's meant I'm eating a lot more. 3 meals a day and snacks. I think I'd forgotten what real food and meals looked like. It's also meant that I have to think clearly, and having all this time and all this talking and exercises forced down your throat, means that you get to ask yourself lots of questions that you wouldn't normally think about.

I will not be returning to the strip club, even though I totally got off on all those men throwing their money at me, and begging me for another lap dance. Being hired out on private yachts or in huge stretch hummers for the evening, and leaving with thousands of dollars will definitely be hard to walk away from.

My job at the gym seems safe enough, and they've been very supportive about me coming here, and making sure that I get straightened out. They can't quite wrap their minds around how someone who is so into physical fitness could put that shit in their body, and I can't explain it. I'm obviously trying to numb something inside of myself, but I swear I don't know what it is. Why do I want to force myself not to be involved in a D/S relationship? Why do I run from it, or from men who absolutely worship the ground I walk on? Why in the past have I only wanted men who weren't available? Or mine to have? Emotionally, or logistically? Why am I so attracted to a crazy outta control lifestyle?

I've got to come up with a 250 word essay on what I think my good points are. It was very easy for me to come up with a 200 word essay on my bad points. In fact I could have written a book on those.

Nichole, thanks for coming to visit last night, and I'm hoping I'll have a special visitor next Thursday night.

Thanks so much for all the emails I've got over the last week. I didn't actually think anyone still read this blog, or even remembered who was ;-) It's kinda nice to know that you care.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Fucked up.

So, I've been a bit out of control lately. I don't think working or hanging out at strip clubs is in my best interests. I've developed a liking for too much booze and too many drugs. Prescription drugs, coke, weed, X, pretty much it's all available in large amounts, and I don't seem to have an off switch.

I think forcing myself to write all this stuff down will help.

I'm fucking up every relationship I've ever had. My family has lost all respect for me and are this close to doing an intervention. Today is day 2 drug free, but I'm not sure I can do it on my own. When I look in the mirror I don't see a difference in my looks, but my friends tell me that I'm starting to look worse for wear, and even looked better when I was doing chemo. Now that's a shock.

Nichole moved back in, and then within days moved back out. I don't blame her. Her husband and I got in a huge fight on Wednesday night, and she had to drive home to break it up. He took offense to me having drug dealers at the house. I guess if I was clean and sober, I'd see his point.

I've fucked up our house having huge parties & she's the one who gets to come over and fix it all up. I've really got to grow the fuck up. I'm 37 and act like I'm 17.

I can't have a serious relationship with anyone, because as soon as we start to get close, I freak out and book out of there faster than a speeding bullet.

Monday, July 07, 2008


Where to start.. Nichole we're cousins & I miss you. I'm godmother to your children & I haven't seen them or you in over a year. I know that I was shitty and out of order, and I totally should NOT have done what I did. There's 6 of us, and you & I are the only two out of the whole family who are freaking normal. There's so much to tell you, and I want you to unblock my email handles so that I can send you a proper email. I don't really want to type it all out in a blog.

I'm in the process of adopting my youngest sisters child (and last I heard she was dancing at The Gentleman's Gold Club in Balt)... but I took him away from her when he was a baby, and I haven't sold the house but we really need to talk about it. The other sister is currently back home with dad, and bro is in Barcelona for the summer.

I'd love you to come by the club, when I'm not training I'm in my office, and we really really really need to sort everything out. Are you home for good? Are you here by yourself? Have you talked to your sister? Where are you living? Love you Jules.